Archive for November, 2009

Vampires and Stupid Shit

On November 19th, the second installment in the Twilight series, New Moon, most likely opened at a theatre near you. Unless you live in some remote part of North Dakota, in which case you’re one lucky son of a bitch. I hate New Moon!!!!!! I hate New Moon so much that I had the energy to put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence and enough energy left over to write this sentence explaining why I put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence. I hate New Moon so much that given the option between watching reruns of Reba for a week straight or sitting through New Moon once, I’d choose Reba. I hate New Moon so much that if I had to watch New Moon in order to save all the dying children in Darfur, I wouldn’t do it. Okay, I might save the kids in Darfur, but the point is that I hate New Moon with a passion that’s beyond the average man’s comprehension.

You’re probably wondering why I hate this new teeny bopper film with such fervor. Well I’ll tell you why… I have absolutely no idea. I’ve never seen New Moon. I’ve never seen the first film either. I’ve never read a single word out of the books on which the movie is based. If you asked me to explain what the movie is about I’d probably say “Vampires and a bunch of stupid shit.”

So why, if I’ve never seen the film or know next to nothing about it, do I have the right to hate it with such unabashed confidence. Because… it is a hate that needs no explanation. I believe that every person is entitled to irrationally hate 10 things in his or her lifetime that are beyond reason. These things can never be questioned and when asked “Why though?” they have the right to answer “Just cause…” The only exception to this rule is if the hatred is directed at a person based on their race, gender, sexuality, or creed… because let’s face it, we need to be politically correct in our irrationality. I also believe that in order for irrational hatred to be socially acceptable, we must make our hatred known. In other words, we must scream it from the mountain tops without fear of being mocked or judged. As an honorable human being we must embrace our irrational hatred with disregard for how we may be viewed in the eyes of the public at large and then, and only then, will our irrational hatred be acceptable in the eyes of mankind.

So with reckless abandon and absolute certitude in my illogicality, I present the 10 Things I Can’t Stand And Can’t Really Explain (in no particular order)

1) Brussels Sprouts. Hate em. Haven’t eaten one. Never will. Nothing about them looks even remotely appealing to me.

2) Any and every television show on CBS Primetime, including shows such as How I Met Your Mother, The Medium, Two and a Half Men, CSI, CSI : Miami and every other subsequent version of CSI. I should note that I’ve never watched a single episode of CSI or How I Met Your Mother. I will admit that I will watch Two and a Half Men from time to time and occasionally I’ll laugh. I say this in the interest of full disclosure, not because it’s something I’m proud of. But even after I’ve watched a half an hour of what some have called a “delightful” and “hilarious” sitcom, I’m left feeling empty and wanting something a little more intellectually stimulating… like a rousing game of The E.T. Board Game

3) Democratic Congressman Alan Grayson’s Face. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a Democrat and I’m damn proud of it. I’ll also admit that I’m probably one of the more liberal capitalists you’ll ever meet. Alan Grayson is also a very liberal congressman from the state of Florida. Almost every single one of his political positions is in line with my way of thinking and he seems like a perfectly nice guy. But there’s something about his face that rubs me the wrong way. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with him personally. I’m just talking about his face. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because his cheeks are abnormally large or because he looks like when he wakes up in the morning he dips his head in a tub of Vaseline. I don’t want to speculate. Let’s just say his face is bothersome.

4) Twitter. Don’t get it Claymore has a Twitter account. I even have a Twitter account, but I’ve never even used it. I just joined to see what all the fuss was about and quickly realized I hated it. Here’s my question, if you have Facebook explain to me what the point of Twitter is? I’m also slightly convinced that Twitter is a vast corporate conspiracy. I realize this is highly irrational and I probably can’t explain what I mean when I say corporate conspiracy.

5) Book Trailers. I know, you’re probably thinking what the hell is a book trailer? Well take a look at this one for the Stephen King novel Under the Dome. Every so often you’ll see a little gem like this on TV and it makes me want to claw my eyes out.

6) Russell Brand. Hate the guy. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s not even remotely funny to me or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he looks like a cockatoo. Whatever it is, I don’t think it justifies me hating the guy.

7) Nickels. Most people tend to hate pennies, which I’d have to agree are generally worthless given their minimal value, but I actually find the penny endearing. But Nickels. They’re the worst. They’re right between the penny and the dime. I often refer to them as the middle child of American currency. Okay, okay… I actually have never referred to them as that, but that’s only because I rarely give the nickel any thought. I only pay for things in bills, quarters, and Susan B. Anthony dollar coins.

8 ) The french horn. Maybe it’s because most french horn players I’ve met drive me a little crazy. Maybe it’s because I find the design to be somewhat awkward. Or maybe it’s because if there was one musical instrument that sounded most like a fart this would be it. I’m not 100% sure why, but I’m 100% sure I’d rather listen to a three year old jam out on a penny whistle!

9) The word caucus. Just not a fan.

10) That new movie about vampires and stupid shit.

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Everything is Impossible Here in the World.

I am an avid- you might even say obsessive fan of This American Life on NPR. There was a story two weeks ago in Episode 394: Bait and Switch, titled Friends with Economic Benefits. This episode tied in with something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately- fake online dating profiles. “What about them?,” you may ask. They’re hilarious! That’s what!

Whereas the TAL episode got into the nitty-gritty of how poor, third-world country folks scam unsuspecting Americans out of money over the internet (another topic in which I’m deeply interested*), fake online dating profiles being one of the scammers’ means, the story didn’t pay due attention to just how awesome these fake profiles are.

Now to appreciate a fake profile in all its flawed awesomeness, let’s first break down how such a profile is typically constructed. “Now hold up a tick!” I hear you saying. “What makes you an authority on fake online dating profiles, or online dating at all? Do you online date? Have you been scammed? What’s the deal?” No, I have not been scammed. Yes, I have been known, from time to time, to online date. (Shut up.) I’ve also come across too many of these amazing profiles to keep them, or my expertise on them, to myself. Are you done interrupting me? Can we please move on now? Thank you.

So the next time you’re working the online dating circuit, here are some tell-tale signs that the appealing profile you’re perusing is a fake. Keep in mind, any one of these signs by itself does not necessarily a fake profile make. However, check off a few of these, and you most likely have an enterprising, poor third-world countryman on your hands, or a middle-aged white man working for an “adult” dating site, who wants to give you his hotmail address, so he can reroute you to the site he works for, so you can spend your money there. Here we go:


The photo of the person looks WAY too good. Like model good. Often times there is only one photo. If there are more photos, it’s possible that each photo is, in fact, of a different person. Maybe the scammers figure that if they hit you with pics of different women in the same profile, your hormone-riddled mind will simply mix them into one hot lady cocktail.


The “About Me” portion of the profile, the first part that a user typically reads, doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s full of vagueness, repetition, clichés, and/or bad grammar/syntax/spelling. Here are some examples:


“love to travel a lot and meet new exciting people who gave me the best shot ever…”

“I am looking for someone who [possesses the] same qualities I think anyone is looking for”


“want someone passionate who feels lots of passions for people and we have the passion between us, never losing passion for life”


“I live life to the fullest.”


“am seeking for a man that is full in love,caring and honest to be the man of my heart ,the one i can saver as the angel of my life…”

“haz to b nice 2 me. can b reel bit funni to sumtime”


Aside from the photo and bio, there is no information about this person! Again, maybe the brain trust on the other end of this profile thinks its best to let you fill in the height, weight, occupation, personal interests, desired partner attributes, etc. with your imagination. Because who wouldn’t want a blank check when withdrawing from the bank of love? Okay, forget that metaphor. I was going for something there, and I don’t think it worked.


The general message of the bio is that this person is a passionate, free-wheeling force of nature who still appreciates the finer things in life, and will be a good nurturer. She has been to many places and experienced many things. She has it all. She may even describe her affinity for being photographed, or her mad skillz on the dance floor. More suggestive features to guide the imagination.

So there you have it. Four indicators that you might be online falling in love with a fake person. Have you yourself fallen for any of these tricks? Are you thinking that I’m wrong because most of what I’ve described fits your profile? Are you now realizing that you’re not real? Please let me know your thoughts, concerns, or personal experiences in the matter.

And while you ponder these questions, I leave you with a fake bio, unedited, in all it’s glory…

I just like to have a good time some one who can make me happy. I like to go out with the girlsand also boys who also has a passion intimate affair or mabe dating.dancing is one of my favoritelikewise do a naughty dance and be crazy in the dance floor.But I also like to stay in andcuddle and watch movies in house with someone can pampered me.I take care of the ones i love and i will never fail to make you smile!I wanna make my thing be full ofhappiness.You know that guys,everything is impossible here in the world.

Let’s never forget, everything is impossible here in the world.

- BH

*For more on third-world country internet scammers, another excellent TAL story worth checking out is Episode 363: Enforcers, Act One. Hanging in Chad.

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How To Use the New Claymore Blog!!!!!

Hi! Welcome to the new Claymore Blog™. You look great!

Of course, you may have noticed that the new Claymore Blog™ is the same as the old Claymore Blog™, but no one was reading that. So we had our Fungineers© create a whole new marketing strategy designed to erase the embarrassing Claymore Blog™, and replace it with the Claymore Blog™ that we assume so many people want. Navigating the new Claymore Blog™ is as easy as it’s ever been! With just a few simple steps you’ll be whizzing down the tubes of light that connect your brain to our many wonderful features.

First: Get a roll of duct tape.

Second: Make sure that your computer is generating at least a hundred Gigaruns a second. A simple way to do this is to try to count all the Gigaruns on your hands and feet; if you can, you don’t have enough Gigaruns to use Claymore’s Blog™! Don’t Worry™! You can buy more at our online Accessibility Store (which, of course, is only accessible to those with enough Gigaruns, so you’ll have to order more by sending a self-addressed envelope to 301 Industrial Way, Hobart Colorado, 4352-74582).

Do you already have your Claymore Advantage Card℠?! If not, you’ve already agreed to pay for one by reading this sentence, which was programmed with legally binding Slave HTML. We’re currently zip-faxing the Claymore Advantage Card℠ to the address we scanned off the back of your retina. The advantage to the Claymore Advantage Card℠ is that once you have it, we won’t send you any more!

If there’s one thing that everyone needs to know about navigating the blog, it’s…what’s that?! Oh, you’ve just noticed the Blog Weasel®, haven’t you? The Blog Weasel® is one of the many great ideas from our Fungineers©. He’ll be running across the screen every few seconds, directing your attention to “Great Deals!” and “Fantastic Savings!” from our thousands of advertisers. Additionally, if you ignore the Blog Weasel®, he’ll actually grab something important off of your desktop, and bury it deep into the internet. Don’t Worry™! You can get it back by earning a hundred JOYpOints☺ from our advertisers, and solving a pretty basic Enigma cipher.

Guess what?! We here at Claymore know that sometimes it’s hard to think of your liquid crystal diode screen as being just as good as a human face. That’s why, to facilitate the Reader Enhanced Experience☀ we’ll be using more interrobangs. What’s an interrobang?! Why, it’s this little doodad –> ?!

The interrobang¹ expresses suprise (!) and questioning (?) so that you can feel like what you’re reading is being written by real human beings, and not by some massive blogging machine in the middle of a featureless server forest .

Oh, have you seen our Massive Blogging Machine?! Well, you can’t actually see it yet, because the old man says it’s not taking visitors; but we’re assured it’s really up in that cave. Either way, we’re pretty much taking orders from it now.

Did you get the duct tape, yet? Good! Now begin taping the computer screen to your face, tying it off with a simple surgeon’s knot, or possibly a Buntline Hitch. Make sure that it’s attached tightly enough that neither you, nor a trained emergency medical technician can remove it.

Now you’re ready to really experience the new Claymore Blog™. Wasn’t that easy?!

¹ We’re also hoping to bring you a more advanced interrobang, one that looks like this: . But, until we can afford the Apache Font Wizard that it comes in, we’ll be buying them individually with money from your tithes. If you’re not already tithing to Claymore, please visit the Tithing/Remittances portion of the website to set up a Tithepal account; and make sure to have your check routing number handy. Also, choose High Fidelity Tithing☂ and your tithe will be taken out forever without you having to re-subscribe, and then automatically passed along to your next-of-kin when you die. No more annoying mailers for you, savvy reader!

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