On November 19th, the second installment in the Twilight series, New Moon, most likely opened at a theatre near you. Unless you live in some remote part of North Dakota, in which case you’re one lucky son of a bitch. I hate New Moon!!!!!! I hate New Moon so much that I had the energy to put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence and enough energy left over to write this sentence explaining why I put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence. I hate New Moon so much that given the option between watching reruns of Reba for a week straight or sitting through New Moon once, I’d choose Reba. I hate New Moon so much that if I had to watch New Moon in order to save all the dying children in Darfur, I wouldn’t do it. Okay, I might save the kids in Darfur, but the point is that I hate New Moon with a passion that’s beyond the average man’s comprehension.
You’re probably wondering why I hate this new teeny bopper film with such fervor. Well I’ll tell you why… I have absolutely no idea. I’ve never seen New Moon. I’ve never seen the first film either. I’ve never read a single word out of the books on which the movie is based. If you asked me to explain what the movie is about I’d probably say “Vampires and a bunch of stupid shit.”
So why, if I’ve never seen the film or know next to nothing about it, do I have the right to hate it with such unabashed confidence. Because… it is a hate that needs no explanation. I believe that every person is entitled to irrationally hate 10 things in his or her lifetime that are beyond reason. These things can never be questioned and when asked “Why though?” they have the right to answer “Just cause…” The only exception to this rule is if the hatred is directed at a person based on their race, gender, sexuality, or creed… because let’s face it, we need to be politically correct in our irrationality. I also believe that in order for irrational hatred to be socially acceptable, we must make our hatred known. In other words, we must scream it from the mountain tops without fear of being mocked or judged. As an honorable human being we must embrace our irrational hatred with disregard for how we may be viewed in the eyes of the public at large and then, and only then, will our irrational hatred be acceptable in the eyes of mankind.
So with reckless abandon and absolute certitude in my illogicality, I present the 10 Things I Can’t Stand And Can’t Really Explain (in no particular order)
1) Brussels Sprouts. Hate em. Haven’t eaten one. Never will. Nothing about them looks even remotely appealing to me.
2) Any and every television show on CBS Primetime, including shows such as How I Met Your Mother, The Medium, Two and a Half Men, CSI, CSI : Miami and every other subsequent version of CSI. I should note that I’ve never watched a single episode of CSI or How I Met Your Mother. I will admit that I will watch Two and a Half Men from time to time and occasionally I’ll laugh. I say this in the interest of full disclosure, not because it’s something I’m proud of. But even after I’ve watched a half an hour of what some have called a “delightful” and “hilarious” sitcom, I’m left feeling empty and wanting something a little more intellectually stimulating… like a rousing game of The E.T. Board Game
3) Democratic Congressman Alan Grayson’s Face. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a Democrat and I’m damn proud of it. I’ll also admit that I’m probably one of the more liberal capitalists you’ll ever meet. Alan Grayson is also a very liberal congressman from the state of Florida. Almost every single one of his political positions is in line with my way of thinking and he seems like a perfectly nice guy. But there’s something about his face that rubs me the wrong way. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with him personally. I’m just talking about his face. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because his cheeks are abnormally large or because he looks like when he wakes up in the morning he dips his head in a tub of Vaseline. I don’t want to speculate. Let’s just say his face is bothersome.
4) Twitter. Don’t get it Claymore has a Twitter account. I even have a Twitter account, but I’ve never even used it. I just joined to see what all the fuss was about and quickly realized I hated it. Here’s my question, if you have Facebook explain to me what the point of Twitter is? I’m also slightly convinced that Twitter is a vast corporate conspiracy. I realize this is highly irrational and I probably can’t explain what I mean when I say corporate conspiracy.
5) Book Trailers. I know, you’re probably thinking what the hell is a book trailer? Well take a look at this one for the Stephen King novel Under the Dome. Every so often you’ll see a little gem like this on TV and it makes me want to claw my eyes out.
6) Russell Brand. Hate the guy. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s not even remotely funny to me or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he looks like a cockatoo. Whatever it is, I don’t think it justifies me hating the guy.
7) Nickels. Most people tend to hate pennies, which I’d have to agree are generally worthless given their minimal value, but I actually find the penny endearing. But Nickels. They’re the worst. They’re right between the penny and the dime. I often refer to them as the middle child of American currency. Okay, okay… I actually have never referred to them as that, but that’s only because I rarely give the nickel any thought. I only pay for things in bills, quarters, and Susan B. Anthony dollar coins.
8 ) The french horn. Maybe it’s because most french horn players I’ve met drive me a little crazy. Maybe it’s because I find the design to be somewhat awkward. Or maybe it’s because if there was one musical instrument that sounded most like a fart this would be it. I’m not 100% sure why, but I’m 100% sure I’d rather listen to a three year old jam out on a penny whistle!
9) The word caucus. Just not a fan.
10) That new movie about vampires and stupid shit.