Archive for March, 2010

Naps!

Guess what. I love naps! Love ‘em! Can’t get enough of ‘em! They’re perfect for when you don’t have time to fit in the four to five cycles of REM sleep the body needs on a daily basis. What’s my favorite thing to dream about when napping? Sleeping, of course! Bored of what you’re hearing in the office board meeting? Take a nap! Want to make that commute go a little faster? Take a nap! The pressures of the outside world getting to ya? Take a nap! Below are some of the most common nap categorizations.

The Nod (a.k.a. The Springboard)
One second you’re here, the next you’re not. But wait- you’re back again! This nap is characterized by regular head bobbing/nodding. The sleeper’s head comes down as sleep takes over, and jolts back up from the sudden recognition of falling asleep. The Nodding Nap is involuntary, and most common in meetings, lectures, and automotive rides.

The Incognito
Perfect for the napper who doesn’t want to draw attention. Fold your arms, put on a pare of shades, lower your baseball cap, or simply rest your head in your hand, and let the world think that you’re brooding. (Caution: the head-in-your-hand technique may draw concern from people who think you’re crying or have a headache.)

The Matrix
Perhaps the most frustrating type of nap to take. In The Matrix nap, the napper does not know that he is napping because he is dreaming of what he was experiencing immediately before dozing off. This can be particularly frustrating for someone engaged in a remedial task such as note-taking, driving, or bricklaying, as the napper is likely to experience disappointment and frustration upon discovering that what he thought was real, was in fact an illusion. Example: student is taking detailed notes in class, only to wake up and find that all of the notes were actually scribble; or, surgeon is carefully removing patient’s appendix, only to find that he’s actually made a long incision down the length of the patient’s thigh. In some cases, the Matrix Nap can be fatal (i.e. while driving or having sex).

The Power Nap
Ideal for the busy professional who needs a quick recharge before carrying out the rest of his or her day. It has been scientifically proven that every minute of a power nap counts as two to three times more sleep than any minute of a regular night sleep. The Power Nap is best administered in a nap designated area, however, and will generally last between fifteen and twenty-five minutes. Be careful not to let the Power Nap go much longer than half an hour, or it may parlay into…

The Odyssey
Any type of nap has the potential to turn into an Odyssey Nap, a nap that lasts longer than two hours. In fact, it is not uncommon for an Odyssey Nap to last several hours, or even all through the night. But what differentiates an Odyssey Nap from a regular night of sleep, you may ask? Odyssey Naps begin during the day or early evening. They are not intended to last terribly long. Most importantly, they can be extremely dangerous, as an Odyssey napper who’s just awoken often experiences extreme confusion, disorientation, or a sense of purposelessness.

The Screamer
An offshoot of The Matrix nap, The Screamer takes the dreamer to a dark place right quick. In the dream, the napper may be running, falling, or facing some sort of immediate danger. As humans do in the face of danger, the dreamer screams- only the scream follows the dreamer from the dream into reality. That’s right- the dreamer wakes up screaming, a scenario that can be most embarrassing, but not nearly as much as waking from The Shitter.

The “Fuck It” Nap
This nap is for the cat who’s tired and just doesn’t give a shit. He’ll do it wherever, whenever, and doesn’t care who the hell sees him. The “Fuck It” is most popular among homeless and children.

These are only but a few of the many types of naps that come to mind. What others can you think of? Have you invented any naps of your owoa;iijakl.////// Have you inventeD na;odksdjhhhhhhhhhhhhhn
hAve yooofsgdhjgsfkl;;;;;;;;;;;;∆Ω∂∂ßirjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjeear

- BH

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In Honor of St. Patrick’s Day…

Before Claymore Productions ever graced the pages of the interweb, the boys were members of the University of Maryland’s only improv team, Erasable Inc. Back in the spring of 2006, Erasable Inc. created a video that they thought perfectly captured a day in the life of a married Irish couple. Since it’s posting on YouTube, the video has received 4,693 views and 33 comments, mostly from Irishmen and Irishlassies! In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve embed the video and the conversation which it incited. As you can see, we’re constantly striving to open up social dialogue and debate. Please enjoy and I’ll stop sputterin’ gobshite!

willemite1 (4 weeks ago)
That was fuckin shit!!! I’d love to do one on americans but ud end up with a 2 hour clip full of shit!!! plus i have no time to do a gay video like this!!!! fuck stupid americans!!!

TheIrish703 (2 months ago)
shit video ireland not like that at all now we know why everybody hates the yanks

jigzeus (2 months ago)
Hahaha that was hilarious ! huge props from denmark ! :p

benjislam (8 months ago)
FUCK you ye cunt! judging by the way you look yer probaply your own brother. haha

IrishGal4 (1 year ago)
Im sick of the way other people make us Irish Out To Be Boring Or Slagging Us Sayin Shite About Potatoes !!
Like Jesus Get A Life U Dont No Wat Being Irish Is Like …. Your Not Irish …. So How Would Any Of Use Know !

mack23x (1 year ago)
STUPID AMERICANS HAVIN GOT A CLUE

mack23x (1 year ago)
DICKHEAD

COREY212122 (1 year ago)
nice boobs

Donal07 (1 year ago)
lol that was hilarious, I mean sure its not true but fair fucks you tried. American ignorance can be a hard thing to overcome *claps* My one hope that you trashed at the end was that you wouldnt try an Irish accent, well….there you go. :(

GreenDayRawksx (1 year ago)
people who made this video have no job and have nothin better to do

Grikone (1 year ago)
and he wonders why he never ever got laid..hmm..hard one there..

honda257912 (2 years ago)
what a waste of time ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

supaho1989 (2 years ago)
the irish never sit on a veranda…and that scene at 1.07 will haunt me for the rest of life…

sarahevan (2 years ago)
What a bunch of whiny Irish assholes. Go get drunk and leave the video alone.

theonlygundwane (2 years ago)
do you have to be irish to get it? oh no wait, i was so bored there i forgot i am irish. i’m not even offended. this is possibly the lamest thing i’ve ever seen in my life. ever

intbn (2 years ago)
hahaha

essexisadump1 (2 years ago)
funny shit lol

bzh43 (2 years ago)
ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC !!!!!and in fact commenting your video is already giving you too much importance

thefiona007 (2 years ago)
*rolls eyes*

butimsonotbothered (2 years ago)
This is really crap. And also, how wonderful, another video with a sterotypical american view of the Irish.

BismarckBand (3 years ago)
how exactly was that Irish?and why is it in comedy?it’s about as funny as everybody loves raymond

kickass1896 (3 years ago)
Best insult ever, i hate that show!

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Wisdom Words

“Do these jeans make me look fat?”

I know. I know. This is a classic question. It’s been the manure for a fertile crop of comedy bits over the years. But, really, how do you answer that question? It’s so easy, and I will tell you how:

To begin with, try the meta answer: “Are you quoting from something?” Even if she isn’t, this should make her self conscious. It will remind her that she’s being ridiculous in a predictable and socially dictated way, without having to be direct and patronizing about it.

Another fashionable way to get out of this mess is to fake a death in the family. Achieving this required some slight preparation. You must always have your phone in your hand. Are you ready? Good. Now, what you want to do is lower your phone as though you’ve just been talking on it and say: “My (sister/mother/uncle) just died.” and rip out a tear. If she still wants to know about the jeans, then it probably wasn’t meant to be.

Set your hand on fire. Trust me, just do it. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about how setting your hand on fire is infinitely worse than answering a rather innocuous question about the look of jeans that could, at worst, lead to a short argument. However, have you considered AIDS? Oh yeah, I’m serious. AIDS. Let me explain:

Imagine, if you will, your relationship as an iceberg. Large; solid; only ten percent sticking above water (in this case, water is public society; which is to say that most of your relationship is kept in private). Now, you’re relationship has already been wasted away by global warming. It has broken away from the social stability of a larger ice shelf, and is bobbing dangerously in the water all the time. Even a slight bit of pressure could tip this thing in unpredictable ways.

So you toss off some feckless remark about how she looks fine, and she thinks, “He doesn’t care about me.” You have a short fight about it, and while you’re thinking that it’s a cathartic release that’s going to lead to fight sex later on, she’s let it seep into her bloodstream as a long-brewing emotional infection that’s going to end up manifesting in her seeking out a drunken one-night stand with that guy in the ska band that rubs her back every time he talks to her and she told you he was just a friend but nobody laughs that hard at a text from a friend and it turns out that he’s an intravenous drug user and she picks up the bug and by the time she admits to it and you get tested it turns out you’re going to be on the cocktail for the rest of your life.

Long story short: Man up, and set your hand on fire

I’m a little drunk.

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