This one’s just for the ladies (No Boys Allowed [NBA]):
Hey ladies, remember that thing you wanted me to do? I did it. Isn’t it what you wanted? Don’t you feel good? You should. You got what you wanted. And, hey, I don’t mean that in a bitter way. No way. Because I got what I wanted too. What did I want? What you want. I want what you want. So want what you want, and I’ll follow up and want it too. You’ve got enough wanting for both of us, ladies.
You ladies. You’re lovely. You’re lovely in exactly the way you want to be, ladies. You’ve got all the great curves in all the great places, and all the great straights just exactly where we all hope you’ll go straight again. I was just noticing how scorching hot sexy you ladies all are, while still retaining a cute innocence any time you want. What a perfect marriage of Woman/Girl-Madonna/Whore archetypes you’ve got.
Not that it’s about the sex for me, ladies. No. I’m attracted to your minds. And I respect you for your bodies. I have big plans to be very respectful of your bodies, and treat them the way they deserve to be treated — or not at all, it’s up to you; ladies’ choice. But those minds…let’s get in there. Let’s get all the way in to those minds, ladies. I feel like I could learn a thing or two from you. The things you want to teach me, because you deserve to have your secrets. You ladies are so special because you’re an enigma, and the perfect open book. You ladies always keep me guessing in a way that tells me all I want to know, so you’re the perfect un-complicated ladies. No drama from these ladies.
Oh. This? It’s nothing, ladies. It’s just the mixed-tape/framed diary I’ve been keeping of our time together/tickets to that band you love but have never seen/only remaining bottle of your dead father’s after-shave so you can always remember the way he smelled/or whatever that I bought you for a Just Because Occasion (JBA). I just left it lying around with “Ladies” written on it, because I remembered how much you like romantic gestures, but don’t want to be fussed over.
I think the two things I always want to ask you ladies is, “Where do you find the time?” and, “How do you do it?” I mean…wow. I’ve never met anyone anyone who makes me feel the way you do, ladies. You’re special. Unique. I’d say I love you ladies, but it’s not special enough. The way I feel about you, it’s a new way. Because you’re new ladies. No one has ever felt about ladies the way I feel about you, ladies. I’m making up a new word to describe it. A word that isn’t spoken, just communicated with a longing gaze that brings with it the smell of fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookies.
I don’t mean to rush, ladies, but I’ll be late for my Velvet Yoga class. I’m training my mind-body link so I can make any part of my body as soft as an eider-down pillow for any time you ladies want to lean your head against it. Even it it’s a normally boney part.
Don’t change, ladies. Don’t change.