Archive for July, 2010

Looking Back

Eh, well. I guess they can’t all turn out the way you want them to, huh? Lives, that is. I’m really glad to find out that we get to do this whole review process; it’s great to get a chance to process everything I’ve been through. Now that I look back on it all, I realize that I spent a big chunk of my life thinking about my past, but I didn’t really evaluate it, you know? It was all fantasy. Nobody (or at least not me) really remembers their past. Your own past is no more real than reading a history. My life, Plutarch’s Lives, no difference. It’s all interpretation. Present is observation, past is interpretation — even if it’s your past. But that’s what so great about this review process, you know? You really lay out the whole thing piece-by-piece, and what with all the videos and all, I’m starting to get a real sense of all the stuff I’ve done in my life.

Did I really do all that? Clearly. There are probably a lot of people who would blame many of my bad choices on the drinking. It’s funny, though: as much as I understand that the drinking led to a lot of poor decisions, I can’t help but thinking that I wish I’d done it more. Drank more, I mean. I just had a lot of fun when I was. Drunk that is. When I was young I always thought that drugs and drink clouded the person that you really were. Looking back on it, though, it’s possible that it made me more me. The one thing I always felt when I was doing it (and experience varies, right?) was a sense of filling in. What I mean by that is…well, like I could feel the alcohol filling in all the cracks in me. Literally, really. A gin and tonic would ice through me like the blue veins in a piece of cheese. God, that’s an awful simile. I guess you don’t get any smarter here, eh? No, I guess you don’t. Anyway, wherever there was a lacuna in my being, alcohol bridged the gap.

But that’s hardly novel, is it? Whenever people talk about why they drink or get high, it’s always because of something they’re missing. But what I’m saying is this: I didn’t do it because I was missing parental love, or a good self image, or whatthefuckelse: I think I drank because I was missing alcohol. Right? And don’t judge me for that. Why can’t you innately love alcohol? Some people innately love art, and seek it out; and that’s no more artificial than booze. Anyway, whatever.

I’m not sure why I spent so much time talking about drinking. I guess the defensiveness carries over, eh? From life, I mean. What I could never really make clear to people was that the things they thought were wrong with me were not the things I thought were. Dig? People thought I was arrogant, and what I always said was the I was egotistical but had low self-esteem. I always said that meant that I projected a sense of rightness while secretly thinking I was a Less-Than. But now I’m not sure. Now I think that it may have just meant that the things other people thought were wrong with me were different than the things I thought were wrong with me. Or something.

It’s a shame that you give such clear perspective to me now, but I’m no more endowed with ability of perception. Perspective, perception. Heh. Not that it’s funny. This death thing isn’t so bad. Then again, I’m probably not dead. I’m probably just drunk.

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Peyton’s Blogs

MY BLOGS

As you probably know, I have a lot of friends. It’s so hard to keep in touch with all of them! That’s why I blog. I blog like crazy. Because people demand to know, yeah? So, in case you want to keep up with my crazy do-ins, here’s a short selection of my blogs to check out:

BLOG: *Peyton’s Blog*

URL: http://blogpeytonblog.blogspot.com

DECRIPTION: The dulcet tones of Leona Lewis that greet you when you log on to this blog let you know I’m getting in touch with my feminine side. I don’t update very often, but when I do, I do it with enthusiasm and exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOG: Peyton’s Blog

URL: http://peytonspence.com

DESCRIPTION:  I like to think of this blog as “the “Craziness” that has become MY “Peace”.” Know what I mean? Mostly, I use to to give updates on the fam, and really appreciate how blessed my life is. Keep a look out for the post entitled “A letter to me teenage self”  where I reveal that the #1 thing I’d do if I could be a teenager again is: Wear tummy bearing midriffs All. The. Time. Did I not know how awesome my tight, flat tummy looked?

BLOG: peyton’s blog

URL: http://homeschoolblogger.com/peyton

DECRIPTION: Here I reflect on my young life as a home-schooled student (thanks homeschoolblogger.com!). As you’ll see, I like to write imaginative short stories that feature alter-egos of myself named “Peypey,” “Officer Peyton,” and “King Charter of the land of Wrestling.” Lol.

BLOG: PEYTON’S PODCAST

URL: http://peytonspodcast1.blogspot.com

DESCRIPTION:  It’s good to get my voice out there from time to time, you know? Words can seem so flat and dull. Obviously, not all my acquaintances can meet me personally, so I use this blog to keep the fans updated. Because who are we without the fans? Right? You can find a lot of exclusive goodies here, like promos for upcoming episodes of my television show.

BLOG: OurPeyton

URL: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ourpeyton

DESCRIPTION: You may not know this about me, but I’ve been diagnosed with Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma. And I’m dead. Read about it here!

BLOG: Peytons Blog

URL: http://korbin8697230.salebestprices.info

DESCRIPTION: This is me at my bloggy best. Just another Salebestprices.info Blogs weblog? I think not. You can trust ol’ Peyton to let you know about all the great deals out there. Do you realize how cheap you can get a copy of Even Cowgirls get the Blues these days? Well, then you must not have been reading my blog!

Hey Cowboys and girls! Peyton has so many blogs, he can barely keep track of them. Can you find more of Peyton’s blogs? If you do, post a link, so everyone can enjoy the force of wonder that is Peyton.

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