Archive for August, 2010

I HAVE NO VAGINA

“I have no vagina…Well, I have a vagina. What I mean is: I have no Emotional Vagina.”

That’s the beginning of a monologue I wrote for the Phoenix Women’s Expo last year. (sflwhh) Mmmmm, that’s a good cup of coffee. Anyway, the trip to Phoenix was much anticipated, but I still say it was a revelation, even if it was a little decadent. I’ll tell you this, though, Susan Colorman and her dog literally got on my last nerve. But I didn’t let the dog get the better of me, and that’s the secret with dogs, because they can smell you letting them get the better of you; and Susan Colorman can go the hell. I told her that I don’t care if she is right, I still disagree with her. Whoever let that woman have three children, it’s a joke. (sflwhh) Mmmm, that really is quite good. Anyway, we moved into the new space, and it’s a real revelation. It looks a lot like the last space we lived in, but it’s more unique, because this one looks exactly like a space Ted saw in Architectural Digest and told me about. Anyhoo, we’re putting an extension on the back because Ted’s a sleep-pacer, and even though it has more square footage than the last place, it’s a little shallower, and he keeps smacking into the wall about three AM, and waking me up, and if I don’t get Nine Hours, I’m literally useless in the morning. We were going to turn the workout room into another bedroom but…then we didn’t have to. (sflwhh) Mmmm, you really have to try this coffee, it’s decadent. I mean, I may not understand what Ted’s going through, but I can empathize because he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I know he’s filled to the brim with work right now, and he has to work with that Susan Colorman — and that’s ironic, because I can’t stand her. I mean, I’ve known a lot of individuals like her, and they’re all the same. Frankly, I actually don’t want Ted anywhere near her. She’s a notorious flirt. She’s famous for it. She’s notoriously famous for flirting. But I’m not going to tell Ted not to work with her, because I trust him, but I don’t believe for a second that I can believe him, so I have to keep an eye on the whole situation. (Sips.) It would be ironic if he did do anything, because he hasn’t touched me since the miscarriage. (sflwhh) She is silent for a time) But who’d want to raise a baby in a world with people like Susan Colorman and her fucking dog, anyway. Plus, we got to keep the workout room, so that’s a plus. And, anyways, Ted never wanted a daughter. (sflwhh) Anyway, I’m trying to keep a positive outlook at this point in time, since if I don’t the whole thing is going to literally blow up in my face. (sflwhh) You really should try this coffee.

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