Author archive for Brian

The Artwork of Exquisite Corpse

by Brian

Published May 4, 2010

The internet’s an amazing thing. Or is it a place? It’s definitely not a person. Anyway, the internet’s an amazing thing place. One Sunday afternoon shortly after Claymore had decided on Exquisite Corpse as the name of our upcoming live internet sketch comedy show, we Google-imaged the phrase “exquisite corpse.” Within seconds, we were looking at a digital illustration of a beautiful woman, hair flowing weightlessly in the air, her right arm growing into a tree branch, her left arm evolving into a piece of antiquated machinery, and her torso a conglomeration of human skeleton and crumbling soil. The image was not high resolution enough for us to notice yet that the flowers blossoming from the woman’s arms, or the butterfly on her shoulder, were in fact words in the shapes of the very things that they spelled. “If only we could get an image like this for our poster
” we said to ourselves.

After a minimal amount of net digging, we found the website of the graphic designer in Colombia responsible for the work. A couple weeks later, we had her permission to use the illustration. As Claymore promotes the fast-approaching premiere of EXC (Sun. May 30, 8pm CST), we give Patricia Bravo much thanks for granting us permission to meld her stunning, twisted image with the visual identity of our show, and for nothing more in return than credit and this plug to her portfolio website: http://doll-lucci.deviantart.com.

And without further adieu, here is the EXC poster:

Exquisite Corpse Winning Poster

If you live in Chicago and see one of these bad boys in your local coffee shop or theater, I would highly recommend taking a close look at the detail of Patricia’s work.

The internet’s an amazing place. No, thing. Hold on- Wikipedia tells me it’s a global system. That sounds like something the internet would say about itself. Anyway, it allows connections to be made, sometimes seemingly instantaneously, from across the world. And on May 30 at 8pm CST, it will allow us to live edit and broadcast our sketch show from Studio BE (3110 N Sheffield Ave., Chicago, IL) to anyone in the world who cares to watch it.

There will be many more people to credit and thank and much more to show soon. Please check back at www.claymoreproductions.com in the upcoming weeks as we release more content building up to the premiere.

Leave a comment

Naps!

by Brian

Published March 23, 2010

Guess what. I love naps! Love ‘em! Can’t get enough of ‘em! They’re perfect for when you don’t have time to fit in the four to five cycles of REM sleep the body needs on a daily basis. What’s my favorite thing to dream about when napping? Sleeping, of course! Bored of what you’re hearing in the office board meeting? Take a nap! Want to make that commute go a little faster? Take a nap! The pressures of the outside world getting to ya? Take a nap! Below are some of the most common nap categorizations.

The Nod (a.k.a. The Springboard)
One second you’re here, the next you’re not. But wait- you’re back again! This nap is characterized by regular head bobbing/nodding. The sleeper’s head comes down as sleep takes over, and jolts back up from the sudden recognition of falling asleep. The Nodding Nap is involuntary, and most common in meetings, lectures, and automotive rides.

The Incognito
Perfect for the napper who doesn’t want to draw attention. Fold your arms, put on a pare of shades, lower your baseball cap, or simply rest your head in your hand, and let the world think that you’re brooding. (Caution: the head-in-your-hand technique may draw concern from people who think you’re crying or have a headache.)

The Matrix
Perhaps the most frustrating type of nap to take. In The Matrix nap, the napper does not know that he is napping because he is dreaming of what he was experiencing immediately before dozing off. This can be particularly frustrating for someone engaged in a remedial task such as note-taking, driving, or bricklaying, as the napper is likely to experience disappointment and frustration upon discovering that what he thought was real, was in fact an illusion. Example: student is taking detailed notes in class, only to wake up and find that all of the notes were actually scribble; or, surgeon is carefully removing patient’s appendix, only to find that he’s actually made a long incision down the length of the patient’s thigh. In some cases, the Matrix Nap can be fatal (i.e. while driving or having sex).

The Power Nap
Ideal for the busy professional who needs a quick recharge before carrying out the rest of his or her day. It has been scientifically proven that every minute of a power nap counts as two to three times more sleep than any minute of a regular night sleep. The Power Nap is best administered in a nap designated area, however, and will generally last between fifteen and twenty-five minutes. Be careful not to let the Power Nap go much longer than half an hour, or it may parlay into


The Odyssey
Any type of nap has the potential to turn into an Odyssey Nap, a nap that lasts longer than two hours. In fact, it is not uncommon for an Odyssey Nap to last several hours, or even all through the night. But what differentiates an Odyssey Nap from a regular night of sleep, you may ask? Odyssey Naps begin during the day or early evening. They are not intended to last terribly long. Most importantly, they can be extremely dangerous, as an Odyssey napper who’s just awoken often experiences extreme confusion, disorientation, or a sense of purposelessness.

The Screamer
An offshoot of The Matrix nap, The Screamer takes the dreamer to a dark place right quick. In the dream, the napper may be running, falling, or facing some sort of immediate danger. As humans do in the face of danger, the dreamer screams- only the scream follows the dreamer from the dream into reality. That’s right- the dreamer wakes up screaming, a scenario that can be most embarrassing, but not nearly as much as waking from The Shitter.

The “Fuck It” Nap
This nap is for the cat who’s tired and just doesn’t give a shit. He’ll do it wherever, whenever, and doesn’t care who the hell sees him. The “Fuck It” is most popular among homeless and children.

These are only but a few of the many types of naps that come to mind. What others can you think of? Have you invented any naps of your owoa;iijakl.////// Have you inventeD na;odksdjhhhhhhhhhhhhhn
hAve yooofsgdhjgsfkl;;;;;;;;;;;;âˆ†Î©âˆ‚âˆ‚ĂŸirjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjeear

- BH

Leave a comment

A Letter From the Heart

by Brian

Published December 29, 2009

For those of you not familiar with the Jewish practice of Teshuva, it is the 10 day period between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur where Jews repent for their wrongdoings of the passing year. This includes asking those in your life whom you’ve wronged for forgiveness. Although Teshuva is not coming around for a while, a new (western) year and decade are. In light of this, I need to make penance with someone very important in my life, my Samsung SCH-u540, a.k.a my V Cast Music Phone.

Dear V Cast Music Phone,

I’m not angry. I just need to get some thoughts out and tell you how I’m feeling. I’m not sure how things got so bad between us. If your behavior has been in retaliation for anything I’ve done, please know that I never meant you any pain, and that I’m sorry. Whatever wrongs I’ve committed against you in the past, I ask you to please forgive me, and stop calling random people from my Contacts list while in my pocket.

I give you credit. It was kind of funny at first. You’d ask me, unsolicited, for a voice command, and I’d ignore you. Soon after, I’d be out having Thai food and I’d hear a “Hello? Hello
?” from my pant pocket. It was a friend from college I hadn’t spoken with for years. I didn’t want to speak with her, so I hastily hung you up. Then you did the same thing with a friend from high school. After I hung up on him, he called me back. I didn’t answer.

You got your point across. I suppose I had been neglecting you, not charging you on a regular basis, not locking you before putting you away. But I saw the error of my ways. I changed, V Cast Music Phone! At least, I thought I did. But you continued to make phone calls from my pocket, even while locked.

Your next surprise call was a former employer in the middle of the night. Fortunately, I ended the call before voicemail began recording. I then tried giving you the cold shoulder, but you only called more friends. Some of them called me back. One left a voicemail. I spoke with no one.

I thought about getting rid of you. The end of my contract was drawing near. I knew I could find a phone that wasn’t so vindictive. But complacency set in, and I thought that maybe you were done. Then you called my ex-girlfriend’s sister, and that was the last straw.

Please, Samsung SCH-u540 with V Cast, stop! Is this because I got an iPod touch? I told you, I can’t make calls with that thing- I still need you to make calls! I will always need you to make calls. And to take pictures that help get me out of parking tickets. That reminds me, would you please stop taking pictures of nothing from inside my pocket? You’re wasting your memory- our memory.

I know that you support Bluetooth¼ Wireless Technology, Advanced Speech Recognition and have Hearing Aid Compatibility. But the only thing I want you to hear is this: I love you. I’ve never stopped. If you still feel anything for me at all, maybe you can find it in your VZ Navigator chip to forgive me.

Love,

Brian

V-Cast Music Phone

Leave a comment

Everything is Impossible Here in the World.

by Brian

Published November 17, 2009

I am an avid- you might even say obsessive fan of This American Life on NPR. There was a story two weeks ago in Episode 394: Bait and Switch, titled Friends with Economic Benefits. This episode tied in with something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately- fake online dating profiles. “What about them?,” you may ask. They’re hilarious! That’s what!

Whereas the TAL episode got into the nitty-gritty of how poor, third-world country folks scam unsuspecting Americans out of money over the internet (another topic in which I’m deeply interested*), fake online dating profiles being one of the scammers’ means, the story didn’t pay due attention to just how awesome these fake profiles are.

Now to appreciate a fake profile in all its flawed awesomeness, let’s first break down how such a profile is typically constructed. “Now hold up a tick!” I hear you saying. “What makes you an authority on fake online dating profiles, or online dating at all? Do you online date? Have you been scammed? What’s the deal?” No, I have not been scammed. Yes, I have been known, from time to time, to online date. (Shut up.) I’ve also come across too many of these amazing profiles to keep them, or my expertise on them, to myself. Are you done interrupting me? Can we please move on now? Thank you.

So the next time you’re working the online dating circuit, here are some tell-tale signs that the appealing profile you’re perusing is a fake. Keep in mind, any one of these signs by itself does not necessarily a fake profile make. However, check off a few of these, and you most likely have an enterprising, poor third-world countryman on your hands, or a middle-aged white man working for an “adult” dating site, who wants to give you his hotmail address, so he can reroute you to the site he works for, so you can spend your money there. Here we go:

1) LOOKS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

The photo of the person looks WAY too good. Like model good. Often times there is only one photo. If there are more photos, it’s possible that each photo is, in fact, of a different person. Maybe the scammers figure that if they hit you with pics of different women in the same profile, your hormone-riddled mind will simply mix them into one hot lady cocktail.

2) SAY WHAT!?

The “About Me” portion of the profile, the first part that a user typically reads, doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s full of vagueness, repetition, clichĂ©s, and/or bad grammar/syntax/spelling. Here are some examples:

VAGUENESS

“love to travel a lot and meet new exciting people who gave me the best shot ever…”

“I am looking for someone who [possesses the] same qualities I think anyone is looking for”

REPITITION

“want someone passionate who feels lots of passions for people and we have the passion between us, never losing passion for life”

CLICHES

“I live life to the fullest.”

BAD GRAMMAR/SYNTAX/SPELLING

“am seeking for a man that is full in love,caring and honest to be the man of my heart ,the one i can saver as the angel of my life…”

“haz to b nice 2 me. can b reel bit funni to sumtime”

3) MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE!

Aside from the photo and bio, there is no information about this person! Again, maybe the brain trust on the other end of this profile thinks its best to let you fill in the height, weight, occupation, personal interests, desired partner attributes, etc. with your imagination. Because who wouldn’t want a blank check when withdrawing from the bank of love? Okay, forget that metaphor. I was going for something there, and I don’t think it worked.

4) THIS GIRL HAS IT ALL!

The general message of the bio is that this person is a passionate, free-wheeling force of nature who still appreciates the finer things in life, and will be a good nurturer. She has been to many places and experienced many things. She has it all. She may even describe her affinity for being photographed, or her mad skillz on the dance floor. More suggestive features to guide the imagination.

So there you have it. Four indicators that you might be online falling in love with a fake person. Have you yourself fallen for any of these tricks? Are you thinking that I’m wrong because most of what I’ve described fits your profile? Are you now realizing that you’re not real? Please let me know your thoughts, concerns, or personal experiences in the matter.

And while you ponder these questions, I leave you with a fake bio, unedited, in all it’s glory


I just like to have a good time some one who can make me happy. I like to go out with the girlsand also boys who also has a passion intimate affair or mabe dating.dancing is one of my favoritelikewise do a naughty dance and be crazy in the dance floor.But I also like to stay in andcuddle and watch movies in house with someone can pampered me.I take care of the ones i love and i will never fail to make you smile!I wanna make my thing be full ofhappiness.You know that guys,everything is impossible here in the world.

Let’s never forget, everything is impossible here in the world.

- BH

*For more on third-world country internet scammers, another excellent TAL story worth checking out is Episode 363: Enforcers, Act One. Hanging in Chad.

Leave a comment
Twitter Feed

Twitter: ClaymoreAndMore