Author archive for James

In Honor of St. Patrick’s Day…

Before Claymore Productions ever graced the pages of the interweb, the boys were members of the University of Maryland’s only improv team, Erasable Inc. Back in the spring of 2006, Erasable Inc. created a video that they thought perfectly captured a day in the life of a married Irish couple. Since it’s posting on YouTube, the video has received 4,693 views and 33 comments, mostly from Irishmen and Irishlassies! In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’ve embed the video and the conversation which it incited. As you can see, we’re constantly striving to open up social dialogue and debate. Please enjoy and I’ll stop sputterin’ gobshite!

willemite1 (4 weeks ago)
That was fuckin shit!!! I’d love to do one on americans but ud end up with a 2 hour clip full of shit!!! plus i have no time to do a gay video like this!!!! fuck stupid americans!!!

TheIrish703 (2 months ago)
shit video ireland not like that at all now we know why everybody hates the yanks

jigzeus (2 months ago)
Hahaha that was hilarious ! huge props from denmark ! :p

benjislam (8 months ago)
FUCK you ye cunt! judging by the way you look yer probaply your own brother. haha

IrishGal4 (1 year ago)
Im sick of the way other people make us Irish Out To Be Boring Or Slagging Us Sayin Shite About Potatoes !!
Like Jesus Get A Life U Dont No Wat Being Irish Is Like …. Your Not Irish …. So How Would Any Of Use Know !

mack23x (1 year ago)
STUPID AMERICANS HAVIN GOT A CLUE

mack23x (1 year ago)
DICKHEAD

COREY212122 (1 year ago)
nice boobs

Donal07 (1 year ago)
lol that was hilarious, I mean sure its not true but fair fucks you tried. American ignorance can be a hard thing to overcome *claps* My one hope that you trashed at the end was that you wouldnt try an Irish accent, well….there you go. :(

GreenDayRawksx (1 year ago)
people who made this video have no job and have nothin better to do

Grikone (1 year ago)
and he wonders why he never ever got laid..hmm..hard one there..

honda257912 (2 years ago)
what a waste of time ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

supaho1989 (2 years ago)
the irish never sit on a veranda…and that scene at 1.07 will haunt me for the rest of life…

sarahevan (2 years ago)
What a bunch of whiny Irish assholes. Go get drunk and leave the video alone.

theonlygundwane (2 years ago)
do you have to be irish to get it? oh no wait, i was so bored there i forgot i am irish. i’m not even offended. this is possibly the lamest thing i’ve ever seen in my life. ever

intbn (2 years ago)
hahaha

essexisadump1 (2 years ago)
funny shit lol

bzh43 (2 years ago)
ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC !!!!!and in fact commenting your video is already giving you too much importance

thefiona007 (2 years ago)
*rolls eyes*

butimsonotbothered (2 years ago)
This is really crap. And also, how wonderful, another video with a sterotypical american view of the Irish.

BismarckBand (3 years ago)
how exactly was that Irish?and why is it in comedy?it’s about as funny as everybody loves raymond

kickass1896 (3 years ago)
Best insult ever, i hate that show!

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Order of Business: A Procrastinator’s Timetable

8:00 – Receive a message via my Blackberry calendar reminding me to submit a Claymore blog post by midnight.

8:01 – A very specific memory flashes before my eyes. It’s 5th grade all over again. The science fair is more than two weeks away. I have two entire weeks to come up with a simple yet effective research question and a kick ass hypothesis. Two weeks to come up with some bullshit results, print them out on my Dot-matrix, and slap them on my bright green three panel display board. Two weeks, to stick some equations and graphs in a Trapper Keeper that would blow the judge’s minds due to my breathtaking organizational skills. But I hadn’t given it much thought on that dreadful Monday morning, because after all, I had TWO WEEKS left… or so I thought.

8:03 – Present. Begin to hyperventilate. Break into a cold sweat. How in the world will I finish an entire blog post by 12:00. I should have been working on this post all week. I’m such a lazy ass.

8:04 – Avoid responsibility. Blame it on my Blackberry Curve. After all, I swore that I had set a reminder on my calendar to notify me at 8:00 on Friday night.

8:05 – Vivid flashback occurs. I’m back in 1995. As I step on the school bus I notice other children holding giant display boards. I panic for a moment and then regain my conviction. The science fair wasn’t for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. I know this to be true because I wrote it down in my daily planner. There’s no need to even double check, I’m filled with such certitude. Than Donny walks on the bus holding a 48″W x 74″H display board. I scramble into my backpack and pull out my planner. I frantically turn the pages to the day’s date, February 15th, 1995. Science Fair Due Today. F&$#!

8:07 – Present. Look back at my Blackberry calendar and notice my error. Still not entirely convinced it wasn’t a vast conspiracy, but knowing that I must move forward I abandon these silly notions… almost as quickly as Alcmene abandoned Heracles or Gary Busey abandoned sobriety.

8:10 – Sit in front of my computer for a solid twenty five minutes wondering what I should write about. Maybe I should write a blog post about the Claymore Live Internet Sketch Comedy Show Fundraiser? No, no… that’ll come across as too needy. Maybe I should write a blog post about Tiger Woods? Overdone. Oooo… I know! I’ll write a blog post about how much I hate the Twilight series. Wait! Shit! I already did that.

8:15 – Flashback Numero Tres. I’m teleported back to the second floor bathroom of my elementary school. What am I going to do? I HAVE to turn in a science fair project. I have three options.

1) I can go to the nurses office, feign illness and hope that I’m sent home early, giving me a full 24 hours to complete my project and turn it in a day late.
2) I can beat up a fourth grader and steal their science fair project effectively claiming it as my own.
3) Bite the bullet and come up with something in the next half hour before the science fair begins.

Option 2 was never a viable choice, so we can scratch that right off. I simply don’t have the physical capacity to injure a fourth grader. Option 1 would be equally hard to accomplish, especially since the school nurse was a Nazi. I knew a kid once who fell off the jungle jim and dislocated his shoulder. She gave him an ice pack and told him to go back to class. So Option 3 was my last hope. Luckily there were some extra display boards in the science room and I could steal some construction paper and markers from the art closet. I had half an hour.

8: 30 – Present. I can’t think on an empty stomach. I retreat to the kitchen for my favorite evening snack. Some Nutella and Graham crackers. I contemplate, who was the brilliant mind behind the creation of Nutella? My interest gets the better of me and I search Wikipedia for a history of the delightful treat. I discover that Nutella is “a modified form of gianduja” which is “a type of chocolate containing approximately 50% almond and hazelnut paste.” I learn that Nutella was essentially invented by Michele Ferrero who revamped an ingredient that his father Pietro had created called Supercrema. With a few modifications Michele named his product Nutella and the rest was history. How wonderful.

8:45 – I come to my senses and realize that I still need to finish my Claymore blog post. But what will I write about? My stomach begins to ache and my palms are soaking wet. The feeling is all too familiar.

8:46 – Flash to the flashback. My stomach is growling and I’m sweating buckets. I’m sitting on the bathroom floor putting the finishing touches on my… errrr… science project? I have five minutes before my board needs to be on display in the gymnasium. I think I’ve come up with a fairly clever title for my project “Ferrets: Are They Faster then Rabbits?” As you can see from the title, I’ve come up with a rather compelling question. As for my hypothesis, I decided that “No, I believe ferrets are not faster then rabbits.” I sketched a few pictures of rabbits and ferrets with a small notation apologizing for my lack of actual pictures, but due to my father’s recent job loss the purchase of film and cost of development was simply out of the question. This, of course, was all elaborate bullshit. I then came up with some fictional statistics, drew a graph and even included a venn diagram (which in retrospect seems like it may have been entirely unnecessary.) I pasted my final conclusion, “I was correct, a rabbit is most certainly faster than a ferret,” on to my display board and headed for the gym.

9:00 – Present. Feeling uninspired. Let’s see what’s on TV. Oooo Castle! Castle’s watchable. I’ll watch Castle.

10:00 – I had no idea Castle was an hour long. I admire the blend of comedy and drama that the series has to offer. I mean he’s a mystery novelist who helps the NYPD solve crimes, what’s not to love? That Nathan Fillion is one charming fellow. Why does he look so familiar to me?

10:01 – Look up Nathan Fillion on IMDB. No way, he was in Saving Private Ryan. I loved Saving Private Ryan! God, Steven Spielberg is awesome! Wait a tic. He was a producer on Lovely Bones? That movie sucked. Steven Spielberg gets deducted one point on the Awesomo Meter. No worries Steve-o you’ve still got 88 out of 100. What? You produced Eagle Eye, too? Maybe I should stop looking at your credits before I deduct all your points. I wouldn’t want you to fall behind Martin Lawrence on the Awesomo Meter. Oh shit, my blog post!

10:10 – FUUUUH- lashback! I’m standing in the gym with my science fair board. I’m still a nervous wreck. I’m between a kid who did a project about pollution in the Chesapeake and it’s effect on subsidiary streams, and a kid who did something about the solar system or something. I’m SO going to get an F. I see the judges as they pace up and down the aisles, examining each board with the utmost meticulousity. Is that a word? Meticulousity? Probably not. As they approach my project, my heart begins to race. They’ll know I’m a fraud! James, you moron, why didn’t you do your project on time! And then one of the judges looks at me and says “Hmm… interesting. You found the rabbits to be faster after all.” I couldn’t believe it. Was he actually buying this bull? I nodded, as if my conclusion was even remotely the result of any actual research and with that the judges made a few notes and were gone.

10: 30 – Present. As I stare at the blank page on my computer, I realize that I consistently procrastinate. Perhaps I should document my procrastination from the moment I realized I had a blog post to write until the point when I’ve completed my post. Not sure whether this is a stroke of genius or not, I realize that it’s better than nothing and set off on the not so difficult task of documenting my activities from 8:00 until 11:38.

10:32 – I spend the next hour and five minutes working on the blog post which you are currently devouring. I only take two breaks. Once, at 10:52 to grab a cup of water and once at 11:22 to take a pee. At exactly 11:37, I finish typing this exact sentence and effectively finish this blog post.

11:38 – Flashback to the Science Fair. I didn’t win any ribbons that year. Nor did I deserve to. Was my procrastination and forgetfulness worth the stress that it induced? Probably not. But in the end I had accomplished something, no matter how pathetic. I had convinced four judges, two of whom worked for NASA that rabbits were indeed faster then ferrets. In recent years I’ve come to discover that ferrets are actually faster than rabbits. Actually almost twice as fast. Sometimes when I hear about a terrible NASA disaster, I think to myself… “Am I in some tiny way to blame for that?” Could my inaccurate data have acted as a sort of butterfly effect that changed the course of history. Did those two NASA scientists take my data to heart and because of my ineptitude, did some important satellite explode or was the Apollo 13 disaster actually my fault? Sometimes I think about these things. Not very often and not with much concern, but sometimes these thoughts haunt my psyche and I just now wonder will this blog post have an effect on the course of history. Maybe Gary Busey’s career will be resurrected? Or Nutella will go out of business? Or maybe…. just maybe…. a little boy will sprout wings somewhere and learn how to fly. I don’t know. And you don’t either. Anything’s possible in this crazy crazy world.

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Snowpacolypse 09 DC Style!

On December 19th, the Washington DC area was besieged by a storm of astronomical proportions. It was the 7th biggest snowfall in the history of the nation’s capital. As is often the case with major snowstorms, this storm has garnered several names over the past couple days including the standard if slightly uncreative DC Blizzard of 09 and the Capital Crippler. While these names seem fitting, here’s a list of a few names I’ve also heard in passing. Which one is your favorite?

1) Snowbama!

2) Snowpacolypse

3) DC Shopper Stopper

4) The Beltway Blizzard

5) snOMG

6) The Fender Bender Decade Ender

7) The Decade Dandy

Also, if you haven’t seen this gem of a video yet, check it out!

 

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Vampires and Stupid Shit

On November 19th, the second installment in the Twilight series, New Moon, most likely opened at a theatre near you. Unless you live in some remote part of North Dakota, in which case you’re one lucky son of a bitch. I hate New Moon!!!!!! I hate New Moon so much that I had the energy to put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence and enough energy left over to write this sentence explaining why I put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence. I hate New Moon so much that given the option between watching reruns of Reba for a week straight or sitting through New Moon once, I’d choose Reba. I hate New Moon so much that if I had to watch New Moon in order to save all the dying children in Darfur, I wouldn’t do it. Okay, I might save the kids in Darfur, but the point is that I hate New Moon with a passion that’s beyond the average man’s comprehension.

You’re probably wondering why I hate this new teeny bopper film with such fervor. Well I’ll tell you why… I have absolutely no idea. I’ve never seen New Moon. I’ve never seen the first film either. I’ve never read a single word out of the books on which the movie is based. If you asked me to explain what the movie is about I’d probably say “Vampires and a bunch of stupid shit.”

So why, if I’ve never seen the film or know next to nothing about it, do I have the right to hate it with such unabashed confidence. Because… it is a hate that needs no explanation. I believe that every person is entitled to irrationally hate 10 things in his or her lifetime that are beyond reason. These things can never be questioned and when asked “Why though?” they have the right to answer “Just cause…” The only exception to this rule is if the hatred is directed at a person based on their race, gender, sexuality, or creed… because let’s face it, we need to be politically correct in our irrationality. I also believe that in order for irrational hatred to be socially acceptable, we must make our hatred known. In other words, we must scream it from the mountain tops without fear of being mocked or judged. As an honorable human being we must embrace our irrational hatred with disregard for how we may be viewed in the eyes of the public at large and then, and only then, will our irrational hatred be acceptable in the eyes of mankind.

So with reckless abandon and absolute certitude in my illogicality, I present the 10 Things I Can’t Stand And Can’t Really Explain (in no particular order)

1) Brussels Sprouts. Hate em. Haven’t eaten one. Never will. Nothing about them looks even remotely appealing to me.

2) Any and every television show on CBS Primetime, including shows such as How I Met Your Mother, The Medium, Two and a Half Men, CSI, CSI : Miami and every other subsequent version of CSI. I should note that I’ve never watched a single episode of CSI or How I Met Your Mother. I will admit that I will watch Two and a Half Men from time to time and occasionally I’ll laugh. I say this in the interest of full disclosure, not because it’s something I’m proud of. But even after I’ve watched a half an hour of what some have called a “delightful” and “hilarious” sitcom, I’m left feeling empty and wanting something a little more intellectually stimulating… like a rousing game of The E.T. Board Game

3) Democratic Congressman Alan Grayson’s Face. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a Democrat and I’m damn proud of it. I’ll also admit that I’m probably one of the more liberal capitalists you’ll ever meet. Alan Grayson is also a very liberal congressman from the state of Florida. Almost every single one of his political positions is in line with my way of thinking and he seems like a perfectly nice guy. But there’s something about his face that rubs me the wrong way. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with him personally. I’m just talking about his face. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because his cheeks are abnormally large or because he looks like when he wakes up in the morning he dips his head in a tub of Vaseline. I don’t want to speculate. Let’s just say his face is bothersome.

4) Twitter. Don’t get it Claymore has a Twitter account. I even have a Twitter account, but I’ve never even used it. I just joined to see what all the fuss was about and quickly realized I hated it. Here’s my question, if you have Facebook explain to me what the point of Twitter is? I’m also slightly convinced that Twitter is a vast corporate conspiracy. I realize this is highly irrational and I probably can’t explain what I mean when I say corporate conspiracy.

5) Book Trailers. I know, you’re probably thinking what the hell is a book trailer? Well take a look at this one for the Stephen King novel Under the Dome. Every so often you’ll see a little gem like this on TV and it makes me want to claw my eyes out.

6) Russell Brand. Hate the guy. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s not even remotely funny to me or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he looks like a cockatoo. Whatever it is, I don’t think it justifies me hating the guy.

7) Nickels. Most people tend to hate pennies, which I’d have to agree are generally worthless given their minimal value, but I actually find the penny endearing. But Nickels. They’re the worst. They’re right between the penny and the dime. I often refer to them as the middle child of American currency. Okay, okay… I actually have never referred to them as that, but that’s only because I rarely give the nickel any thought. I only pay for things in bills, quarters, and Susan B. Anthony dollar coins.

8 ) The french horn. Maybe it’s because most french horn players I’ve met drive me a little crazy. Maybe it’s because I find the design to be somewhat awkward. Or maybe it’s because if there was one musical instrument that sounded most like a fart this would be it. I’m not 100% sure why, but I’m 100% sure I’d rather listen to a three year old jam out on a penny whistle!

9) The word caucus. Just not a fan.

10) That new movie about vampires and stupid shit.

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