Author archive for Josh

12 oz of Feeling

BeerHey Beer,
You might not remember this, but my uncle introduced us.
It was a steamy sticky heat and the smell of fresh cut grass surrounded us.
I was leaning on the hood of a dirty white car, had my first sip.
I spit and likened you to dishwater.
We parted ways that day and didn’t come across each other again for a long time.

In high school I slighted you for quicker, more flashy libations.

Ah, youth.

More concerned with the destination than the journey.
Like a friend of a friend, you and I would end up at a party together and be forced into a sort of sterile social interaction.
Oh, we would pretend.
For the first few years in College, we would both take advantage of each other.
Me, beguiled by you in your most base form.
You, reducing me to mine.
For the obscene amount of time we spent together, we scarcely saw one another.
Hiding in plain sight.
Until, and I will never know why, a paradigm shift.

I desired you.

It surprised me most of all.
That day. The heat. It would echo of our first encounter.
Only this time I would come to you.

As I developed, I would consume you mentally and find my respect for you.
I would get snobbish with you.
A pendulum of thought.

Living with you now, I see you as an expression of joy.
Sometimes imperfect but always triple hops brewed Miller Light,
With that great pilsner taste!




*This blog is brought to you by 2011 Miller Brewing Co,Milwaukee,WI


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Hey xxBadt0uch69xx

How dare you think that you killed me on the upper level of Power House.


Your feeble attempt to throw both of your frag grenades in the room after emptying the clip of your MA5 Assault Rifle insults me.

Now maybe, if most of those bullets actually hit me instead of spraying them around the room, you might have stood a chance, but no, you spilled your rounds like so much teenage seed during puberty.

Now the 2nd grenade definitely would have been the end of me, but your childish aim sent it right to where the first one landed.


My shields were totally down. Down and my health meter had only two bar left. I smelt your fear as you were chucking away, running backwards to reload.

I knew I needed only to get to the doorway facing the bridge to end this.

The same way I knew that you would come charging in with the grace of an intoxicated manatee.

The hardest part was deciding in which way to dispatch you.

Should I wait and stick you with the alien Plasma Grenade and you came charging in. Blessing you the extra seconds of knowing your fate and letting you run around reveling in helplessness.

Or is a blast from my M90 Assault Shotgun followed by a humiliating melee attack more fitting.

THATS RIGHT! I had shotgun!


Your attacks were akin to using rocks compared to my suppeior fire power, and to finish you with a slap from my hand is all to befitting your bitchiness.


These deaths are all to good for a such a poor adversary.

Skills that should not be wasted on an IMBECILE!

The only fitting death for you is an Assisinaton.

A beautifully quite symphony to juxtapose your cacophonous comedy of errors.

So I wait.

I wait to hold down the melee button so that we both can enjoy your end.

You will be surprised, no doubt, at first when your controls do not respond to your repeated random button mashing, but that shock will be nothing compared to the sickening reality that will set in when you witness a context-sensitive, third-person assassination animation.


Enjoy, biatch!

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I once got called in for Step Up 2, The Streets (true story)

Josh's headshot

I have an audition today.

I have an audition for something that is not improv or comedy related.

No backlines to hide in.

No blaming that one person in my audition group.

No saying I didn’t get my turn.

I have an audition for something that I spent 5 years at college getting a degree in.

A degree I have not used since graduation.

A degree that is still sitting in the tube they mailed it in.

A degree that I am still paying off each month.

I have not had an audition in 9 months.

I could have made a life in that time.

I could have taken a class.

I could have not drank so much.

Nine months ago I bombed it.

I forgot my monologue that I had been doing for 7 years.

I did not prepare.

I felt like an asshole.

I lied to myself.

Said I didn’t care.

Said I did a good job.

Said I was still working towards a goal.

I was afraid.

Of being a fraud

Of rejection

Of growing up

I am back.

Getting on my horse.

Getting on with my art.

Getting over myself.

I have an audition today.

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Playing With Your Health

The Game

I watched Gamer this week.

Don’t act like you don’t know that movie, the one with Ludacris and Michael C. Hall.

Dexter dancing to “I’ve got you under my skin“ in that movie was the best part of a pretty bad movie. But it did get me thinking about the violent nature of games. This thought came to me again while I was waiting in line to buy Bioshock 2 last night at midnight.

The gaming industry is a huge one; the American people play an enormous amount of computer and video games and this from of entertainment does not come cheap (I dropped 60 bucks last night), in 2008 the video games industry posted sales at $21.2 billion.This figure up from last year’s, 20.3 billion, and is $11.2 billion more than the entire move industry took in 2008.

The movie Gamer took in 20 million in 2009.

I got it at Red Box for a $1.(I over paid)

While the majority of gamers are adults (like me), close to 40% of gamers are children, of that amount of children playing games, According to a survey of the National Institute on Media and the Family, 92% of children and adolescents age 2 – 17 play video games with 70% of children living in a home with at least one video game player, and 33% with one in their bedrooms.

While these numbers might not be surprising the amount of violence in video games and who is playing them might be; 59% of fourth grade girls and 73% of fourth grade boys say that the majority of their favorite video games are violent. (yikes!) Mature-rated games are now the fastest growing segment of the video game industry, According to the Federal Trade Commission About 40% of those who play Mature-rated games are under 18.

Children playing Mature-rated games may participate in simulated murder of women, police, minorities and innocent bystanders. Violent acts are graphically depicted and may include victims being beaten, shot, decapitated, burned alive and urinated upon, not to mention Tea bagging.

Also these games can be used as a tool to train children to be killers, as was the case in the movie Toys or with John Malvo, the teen Beltway sniper (remember that yo), who “was forced by his mentor to play the video game Halo to; suppress his hesitation to kill. (”

WHAT!! I love Halo and I have not shot any one ever.

Yeah, dude that’s what happened but there are some good things about video games. So hold on I’m getting to that

Oh and can I just say Wii Fit, so there.

Charles Schwab’s HR vice president Chip Luman says that ”The people who play games are into technology, can handle more information, can synthesize more complex data, solve operational design problems, lead change and bring organizations through change,”. In the book “Got Game: How the Gamer Generation is Reshaping Business Forever,” by John C. Beck and Mitchell Wade, beck explains that gamers are better risk-takers, show particular confidence in their abilities, place a high value on relationships and employee input and think in terms of “winning” when pursuing objectives.

He is not alone, Dr. James Rosser director of the Advanced Medical Technology Institute at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City says “I’m extremely interested in scientific validation of gaming for good,” Rosser, also the director of minimally invasive surgery, is a gamer who oversaw research indicating that surgeons adept at video games were less likely to make mistakes during certain forms of operations and suturing. The study, which used games that included sniper shooting (“Silent Scope”) and futuristic racing (“Star Wars Racer Revenge”), generated major publicity for games as possible teaching tools.

See, that’s good right, a sniper game makes doctors better at surgery, so after you get shot by someone trained to kill on a video game you can get patched up by someone who plays the same game.

But Josh, I hear you saying, I just had a stroke is there any hope for me?

Hells yea!

When stroke victims played virtual reality games in which they imagined they were diving with dolphins or snowboarding down a narrow slope, their ability to walk eventually improved, researchers reported the five patients who played the games improved in walking, standing and climbing steps, researchers said. Also, brain imaging done before and after the experiment indicated a reorganization of brain function after the therapy, said lead author, Sung H. You, assistant professor of physical therapy at Hampton University in Hampton , VA.

Last December, AP reported on research indicating that playing with a Game Boy machine before surgery could relax children more than tranquilizers.

The game was more effective than drugs, people, Drugs!

And the professor of psychology at Wheeling Jesuit University , Bryan Raudenbush tells us that “Certain video games produce a dramatic level of pain distraction than others, which has implications for the medical profession as an adjunct to pain management. [My] research shows pain tolerance was greatest for the sports and fighting games. These gaming distractions may be most helpful in children and young adults undergoing painful procedures or suffering from chronic pain.” So that’s good right?

What I am saying is, in a perfect world the children who get shot by other children influenced by video games, would preform there own surgery through a video game so intense and violent that they would be too distracted to feel the pain, and later would rehab themselves on the same game. Think about it.

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How JFK, Linus Lee, and Peguins started my year

Polar bear

“And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic?

We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win…”

At first, I was surprised it wasn’t cold. In fact it kind of burned, and the further I ran the more it burned. “No matter,” I thought “let’s just get it done.” So I ran until I found a wave approaching me and met it full force. It was then, as the water swallowed me, that I screamed.

This never would have happened without Linus Lee. Sure. I had read about these crazy people who jump in the lake when it is 17 degrees outside. I had also seen the photo of the burly man making a snow angel wearing only shorts and a swim cap.

I am not one one of these people: I have no health insurance. So when I caught my death of cold from stripping down and charging the water in a sort of perverse reverse Normandy, my death would be a slow one, free from the finest medical care the industrialized world had to offer.

Linus didn’t care. “2010!!!! GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE!” Linus yells at me and throws one of my favorite childhood movies in my face. Now it’s personal. I’ll just sleep in and say I forgot, or say I’m hungover, I reassure myself when I see him the night before. It’s new years eve, he’ll understand.

Only he doesn’t. When his text message fails to wake me, it is followed by an immediate phone call. Serving as both an alarm and a call to arms, my excuses get stuck in my windpipe. I can’t start 2010 backpedaling in to the safety of a lie.

“North Avenue Beach,” I say to the back of a head that turns almost all the way around. Cabbie short hand for either I didn’t hear you or I don’t believe you. I have a change of clothes, a blanket and a red headed towel holder. She thinks I’m crazy, but hell, I think I’m crazy. It’s way more crowed that I would have thought. Most are here to rubberneck, I am here to get baptized as a true Chicagoan.

Wearing Jaromír Jágr’s Penguins jersey, I feel connected to my spirt animal. Linus has his Green Lantern ring and Lisa has her Lifeguard bottoms. Almost no more time to back out now. Just in and out. But, as anyone who went swimming in a giant slurpee can tell you, the footing is few and far between. Halfway between falling and jumping I get in the water.

Running back towards the shore, I start to feel the wind whip around me. It does not feel good. Nor does the huge chunk of ice that makes me loose my footing. Now I can really feel the air. Trying to pull myself up on the snow cone that is the beach I realize what I can’t feel, my hands or feet. If getting to my blanket is an accomplishment then getting my shoes off is a miracle. This is when I start to think that I’ve made a mistake. My fingers aren’t numb, they feel like they never even existed. Running in place fully clothed, I start to regain feeling. Where the ice cut me on my leg, the hot tingling of my ears and the feeling that I was truly alive.

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